What a Mother Can Do For You

My daughter, Tisha, died eleven years ago this month. 
She wrote this poem to her mother for her mother's birthday that previous year. 
It works for all mothers on Mother's Day!

What a mother can do for you

She can hold you tight on cold nights

Even if you’ve been in a fight

She helps you through all the pain
And never lets you go insane

That is what a mother can do for you

What a mother can do for you

She will listen to you speak about nothing

Even though she would rather be sleeping

She will give you advice

Although you are not being very nice

That is what a mother can do

What a mother can do

She can make you feel loved

Even though you don’t deserve it

She can make you feel special
Even though you haven’t earned it

That is what a mother can do

What a mother an do

She can deliver you into a bright new world
Bring you up to be a good hearted girl

She can help you through all triumphs & losses
And even become friendly with one of your bosses

that is what a mother can do

What a mother can do

She can become your very best friend
And you will hope that someday

You will be able to be her friend
THAT IS WHAT A MOTHER CAN DO!

Tisha Noel Rinehart Graham (1971-1999)

Tisha Graham, 27, died at Scripps Memorial Hospital, La Jolla, Monday afternoon, May 24, 1999 after a brief illness. Tisha was born December 29, 1971 at Scripps Memorial Hospital, La Jolla, to Gary and Nancy Rinehart of Del Mar, CA. Funeral Services will be conducted Friday, May 28, 1999, 11:00A.M. at Calvary Lutheran Church, Solana Beach, CA. A reception will follow immediately. Internment will be conducted the same day at Eternal Hills Cemetery in Oceanside, CA at 2:30P.M.

Tisha graduated from Carden School and attended Torrey Pines High School in Del Mar, CA. She graduated from Wayzeta High School, Wayzeta, MN in 1989. Tisha graduated from University of Nevada, Reno as a Certified Paralegal.

On May 22, 1999 she was married at Calvary Lutheran Church, Solana Beach, CA to John Mark Graham of Stateline, NV. Two days later she died from a brain tumor. Tisha was baptized, confirmed, and married on this holy ground. It is only fitting that her funeral be conducted here also.

Tisha worked as the Office Administrator and Paralegal for the Michael J. Laub and Associates Law Firm, South Lake Tahoe, CA for the past five years. She volunteered for the Lake Tahoe Women’s Center and was a licensed Realtor.

Tisha was liked by all. She was a gentle, beautiful woman that led by example. She consistently gave of herself to others and asked for nothing in return.

Tisha is survived by her husband of two days, John Mark Graham of Stateline, NV; her sister, Brooke Rinehart, currently attending the U.S. Air Force Academy, Colorado Springs, CO; her loving parents, Gary and Nancy Rinehart of Del Mar, CA and her Paternal Grandmother, Ruth Rinehart of Horseshoe Bend, AK.

It is requested that in lieu of flowers, memorials may be designated to the Calvary Lutheran Church Memorial Fund.

There was a time . . .

It was my intent to give this toast at my oldest daughter's wedding. Tisha and Mark were the perfect couple --smart, beautiful, confident, perfect. I decided that evening that my toast would be our dance. It was obvious to all that Tisha didn’t need another excuse to stand and smile. She wasn't feeling well but she glowed that night.

There was a time . . .
When you were just three.
You road on my shoulders
And bounced on my knee.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Pink was the light.

There was a time . . .
When you were near six.
Your sister was coming,
A twist to the mix.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Yellow the light.

There was a time . . .
When eleven you were.
Your voice, a delight.
Your life was a blur.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Green was the light.

There was a time . . .
When you were sixteen.
Confusion, emotions
Appeared on the scene.
We loved you so.
No future this day.
A color shone forth
The light was Gray.

There was a time . . .
When twenty appeared.
The challenge, so great.
The past, we all feared.
We loved you so.
Your future was there.
The color shone forth
Gold like your hair.

There was a time . . .
A few years ago.
When someone named Mark
Entered your life’s flow.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Silver the light.

Today’s the time . . .
When joy joins to glad.
A toast to you both
From your mom and dad.
We LOVE you both.
Your futures ARE bright.
A color shines forth,
The color is White

God Bless

Two days later, Tisha was dead. My friend, Stan, and I finished the poem in preparation of the funeral. From an incredible high to an unimaginable low in just two days. The entire poem was part of the funeral ceremony.

There is no time . . .
No color at all.
And there are no answers
To questions I call.
A moment ago,
Your future was bright
But now in the darkness
I look for some light.

My daughter, my darling,
Mark’s wife for just days,
My spirit’s been broken
In so many ways.
I wander unseeing
As now, from above
It’s your light that shines forth
In RAINBOWS of Love.

Your Dad

From Tisha and Mark’s Wedding Bulletin

“Here is the stuff of which fairy tales are made, the prince and the princess on their wedding day. But fairy tales usually end at this point with the simple phrase, ‘They lived happily ever after.’ This may be because fairy tales regard marriage as an anticlimax after the romance of courtship. This is not the Christian view. Our faith sees the wedding day not as a place of arrival but the place where the adventure begins.”

Robert Runcie
Archbishop of Canterbury

Why is it that no one knows how long "ever after" is? Tisha was a "princess." Her brief time with Mark a Fairy Tale. Her life too short. God be with you, T.

Letters: From The Heart

May 28, 1999

Dear Nancy and Gary

With all the fancy paper I have, the only paper which I truly long to write on, the one that allows me to speak my heart, is yellow legal pads (original was hand written on blue-lined yellow legal paper) – so it is with my heart, with my soul I write this missive to you.

Now you may be wondering why is Louise writing us another letter, she already sent one card, doesn’t that suffice? No, it does not! The enormity of your loss, of all of us who share your sorrow, cannot be scribed into a single card, nor in a single phrase, or word. The loss is so great, our words are so small that I am compelled to write yet another note to you.

Know that the memory of Tisha’s wedding and Tisha’s death is forever inscribed into my soul.

As friends we have weathered many a challenge but none so great as what we faced, what you faced Monday, May 24.

As a professional social worker I have done many things in my career, none as moving nor as unsettling or humbling as being with you in the emergency room. There we were helpless in the face of disaster and yet I saw you both nestled in the sanctuary of your friends and of your church.

How do we deal with the impossible, the unthinkable, perhaps by engaging in the tasks at hand. That you both did so beautifully. Always caring for others, making sure Mark was attended to, Tish was kept with dignity, Brooke could have her moment alone. Ever kind, you both decided with Mark, Tish would live on in the body of others. I know the decision came easily to you while at the same time it delayed the inevitable good-bye.

Proudly you stood like armed sentries – we looked like palace guards solemnly standing, only the clanking of large steel doors jolted our reverie, reminding us of our tragedy.

In a moment, I thought I heard the thunder of a horsedrawn hearse rumbling through the hospital. Instead, Stan’s melodious voice cracked with grief that filled the air as we silently saluted Tish’s farewell.

I turned my head and glanced at you and in that moment felt every arm in the room reach out to caress and hold you, Gary, Nancy, Brooke and Mark. We’ll never let you go. We are with you even when you do not think anyone is.

It was there I understood, admist your sorrow, admist this terrible, unexplainable, unforgivable tragedy, the true meaning of love and brotherhood. For your lives are enveloped by those who care and I felt humbled to be one of them

She Still Loves You: Tisha's Song

At Tisha's funeral, Landon Beard, sang this song. Landon has continued his career as one of the Four Seasons (Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons). It was a lovely tribute to both T and Mark.

She was a lovely girl.
A charming, bright-eyed beauty.

You were the bright young man
That swept her off her feet.

You asked her father
If you could have his daughter’s hand.

Her high school ring
Soon became her wedding band.

The time had soon come
Her day was drawing near.

She put her wedding dress on
The girl we held so dear.

The gorgeous couple
That we never thought would ‘sunder.

You know, sometimes I think
About you and I wonder.

If I could talk to you,
What words would I choose.

I would say
“I wish you could have known her.”

And I would say,
“I wish she could have stayed.”

But most of all, I would say,
“She still loves you.”

I’d love to tell you how
the lovely girl you married

Could stay beside you and
You’ll never be apart.

Instead we honor her
And cry as she is buried.

But the love she gave us all,
Is kept within our hearts.

I would say,
“I wish you could have known her.”

And I would say,
“I wish she could have stayed.”

But most of all, I would say,
“She sure loved you.”

I wish she was here to stay.

Luv Ya, Tish

To All Parents

By Edgar Guest

“I’ll lend you for a little time a child of mine,” He said,
“For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she’s dead.
“It may be six or seven years, or twenty-seven or thirty-three,
“But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?
“She’ll bring her charms to gladden you, and shall her stay be brief,
“You’ll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.”

“I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
“But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
“I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true
“And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes I have selected you.
“Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labor vain,
“Nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again?”

I fancied that I heard them say: “Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
“For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we’ll run.
“We’ll shelter her with tenderness, we’ll love her while we may,
“And for the happiness we’ve known forever grateful stay;
“But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we’ve planned,
“We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

Tisha's Special List

I have a list of folks T knew...
all written in a book,
And every now and then..
I go and take a look.

That is when I realize
these names... they are a part,
not of the book they're written in...
but taken from my heart.

They remind me of my daughter T.
Gone so soon, left so sad.
These friends so kind to me
Support for a melancholy dad.

For each Name stands for someone...
who crossed T’s path some time,
and in that meeting they became...
a reason and a rhyme.

It may be hard to comprehend
for me to make this claim,
My memories of T are composed...
of each remembered name.

You may not be fully aware...
of any special link,
just knowing you has shaped my thoughts...
more than you could think.

So whether I have known you...
for many days or few,
in some ways you’ve been a part...
in shaping things I do.

My thoughts of T are but a total...
of many folks she met,
you are a friend I would prefer...
never to forget.

Thank you for being T’s friend.

My Despair

To be completely honest,
I don’t know how life will be without you.
I search for ways to fill the void,
to know where your soul has flown.

You were the first.
All our hope, our dreams, ran through you.
Your joys, your sorrows, your pain were ours
Now, they are through.

The depth of this loss
Is beyond comprehension.
The valleys have no bottom.
My despair has no end.

I look for the day when I can say,
“Hello, T-Bear, I’ve missed you!”
Until that day, I’ll love you so
Your smile, your hair, your life, your glow.

I must rely upon my faith
to take me to that day.
And when our spirits do entwine,
it will finally be ok.

Until that time,
When we can meet again.
We that are left
Have memories only to complete.

Mommy

It was a week after Tisha died. We spent this week surrounded by friends, overwhelmed by our loss, consumed by our grief, nothing seemed right. My escape was to write down all I could remember of T's life.

It was way too short.

I found T's letter to Nancy for Nancy's birthday in 1998. It was a wonderful letter celebrating their transition from daughter/mother to friends. I wondered what would T say today. I wrote the following.

Mommy, our plans were good.
I don’t know what went wrong.
It was so perfect,
just like a song.

Mommy, I was a good girl,
I did what I was told.
From me they took
the chance to grow old?

Mommy, when I went to bed that night,
I never said goodbye.
I'm sorry, Mommy. I had to go.
But Mommy, please don't cry.

You were so good to me.
I loved you so.
You smiled and stroked my head;
We just didn’t know.

Mommy, please tell Daddy
That I loved him very much.
I loved our family hugs --
The feelings and the touch.

And please tell Mark;
my husband; lover; and my friend;
How much I loved him.
It is, forever, to the end.

And tell my little sister;
That she is number one.
To her I say “I’m so proud
Of all that you have done.”

I’ll say hello to your mom and dad.
I’ll kiss Grandpa and wait
For our family to be together
At that future date.

And tell my wonderful friends;
That they always were the best,
I loved my life and where it led.
With Mark, my friends, and all the rest.

Mommy, I loved the wedding.
It was as we had planned.
To dance the night with twinkling lights
To the songs of our own band.

I love you Mommy, I always have.
I know; you know it's true.
And Mommy, all I want to say is,
"Mommy, I love you."

Please

Please, don’t ask me if I’m over it yet.
I’ll never be over it.

Please, don’t tell me she’s in a better place.
She’s not here with us.

Please, don’t say at least she isn’t suffering.
She never suffered.

Please, don’t tell me you know how I feel.
I don’t know how I feel -- for my feelings are gone.

Please, don’t ask me if I feel better.
I’ll never “feel” better. Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up.

Please, don’t tell me at least you had her for 27 years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?

Please, don’t tell me that time heals all wounds.
This is not a wound. It is tear in the fabric of our lives. It will never heal.

Please, don’t tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
Because, then, I would have to believe that God gave me this pain -- That He took my Tisha from me. I cannot believe that.

Please, don’t tell me that it is God’s will.
I won’t believe that my God would do this purposely.

Please, just say you are sorry.
Please, just say you remember Tisha.
Please, just let me talk about her.
Please, just mention Tisha’s name in your prayers.
Please, just let me cry.

Letters: Life taken; Lives saved

It is 5pm. Tisha has been dead for 6 hours. She is on life support simply to keep her heart beating until Mark and Brooke have a chance to say goodbye. Mark has returned from Sacramento and said his goodbyes. Brooke is on her way from Colorado Springs.

Decision Time.

T is a donor, but it is up to us to make the final decision. No decision. It is her wish. It will be kept.

A few weeks later, we receive the following notes.

Tisha lives on. We gain comfort in the gift of life T gave to others.

Touched by an Angel

On Saturday nite, Loraine and I and all those in attendance at Nancy and Gary Rinehart’s daughter’s wedding were touched by an angel . . . Tisha Rinehart

Earlier in the day, I selfishly asked Loraine why am I going to this wedding . . . I have never met Nancy’s daughter.

Less than a minute into the evening, I knew why . . . all of us in attendance experienced a wonderful, spiritual event. One that will stay with us for life.

We all entered the evening on the belief that Nancy’s daughter was suffering from an inner ear infection but that Tish, Mark (her husband to be) and the family all elected to move forward with the wedding dispite the medical concerns and her instability.

The minister made lite of the issue and comforted and prepared all of us in attendance for the daunting stare and instability of Tish during the ceremony.

Dispite the preparation, all of us new the night was different, sensitive and very special as it unveiled itself as an example of the families love for Tish Rinehart.

It was also apparent that Gary and Nancy worked for months repainting the church and preparing every single detail to the ultimate degree for their daughter’s wedding. It was noticeable from the moment you arrived to the moment you left the church.

The music was special. The people singing were special and proud to have been selected to perform. The flowers were in full bloom and all was perfect for a special ceremony of life and love.

There was no feeling or discussion other than amazement at how perfect the setting was for the wonderful celebration of life for this beautiful couple.

As the evening went on, we all grew accustomed to Tish’s daunting stare but accepted it as her strength and the families strength in overcoming the obstacles of an inner ear infection.

As the evening drew to a close, the experience, the music selected, Tish, Mark and the family all blended into a wonderful yet surreal experience for all involved. So much so that it was a source of discussion for all of us before, during and after the wedding. We all left thinking a much higher being planned this evening and event for all in attendance.

Today, we have learned that Tish was, indeed, an angel and that she was delivering a message to those present. She passed away today from an apparent brain tumor that went undetected.

Those of us who experienced this wedding, the apparent events and preparation leading up to the wedding, the love and sharing of feelings. . . we all felt a part of something very special, mystical and deliberate.

This weekend, Tish married the love of her hife. She danced with her daddy to “Butterfly Kisses” and we all experienced the tears of joy between both of them imagining the fond memories they were feeling. We watched her mother be the proud and strong mother supporting her daughter’s next step in life.

Just as important as these wonderful feelings of focus and joy to her family and friends of her life. . . Tish sent a very special message in a very special way to all she touched that Saturday night about how important family and love really are.

This set the stage to thank all of us for love and life in only the way an angel can and all of us in attendance were deeply moved and satisfied in our own ways. We were clearly“Touched by an Angel”.


Thank you, Tish

Bob Dyson

IBTISH: Chapter 8

May 24, 1999

The nightmare begins.

Nancy calls out to me to call 911. I will never forget the intense pain and panic that is in Nancy’s voice. She screams that Tisha has stopped breathing. In a rush, I call 911 while I listen to Nancy pleading for Tisha to start breathing. Wayne and Nancy start CPR. I’m giving 911 our address when Nancy screams for me to come help. No more 911. I rush into the bedroom and Tisha is sprawled on the bed. Her eyes are open -- without life. She has no color. The word pallor enters my mind - the color of death. Nancy is giving mouth to mouth while Wayne is applying pressure to the chest. I make one more call -- to Calvary. I tell Pastor Mike Oberg we need his help and please come at once for Tisha has stopped breathing.

I take over for Nancy. The nightmare continues. Tisha’s color is returning but her heart is not beating. 911 calls back and starts giving Nancy instructions that she relays to Wayne and I. Nancy is pleading with T to fight. To live. To breath. We move T off the bed onto the floor. Elevate her head. Slow our count for mouth to mouth and chest pressure. Nothing. This goes on for about 15 minutes until the paramedics arrive. They are very business like. They tell Wayne and I to continue doing what we are doing and they prepare to take over. A few more minutes pass and then they take over. Mike Oberg has arrived and is keeping Nancy and I informed as to what the paramedics are doing. What they think Tisha’s status is. How well we did the CPR.

There are now police and firemen throughout the house. As I walk outside I see Landon Beard who has come over to take Wayne to the airport pacing on the deck. Poor Landon. So concerned and so helpless – as we all are. I’m sure that Tisha is dead. I don’t understand what happened. How do you die from vertigo?

Grandma is lost in the shuffle. She is crying. Trying to convince herself that what she has been hearing is wrong - that Tisha is not dead. Seventeen months ago, Dad died from a brain tumor. Now, Tisha is dying. It cannot be true. No miracles today.

Pastor Oberg is calling to get Mark in San Jose. Poor Mark! He is so far away. No knowledge of what is happening. He will be frantic to get back. It will take hours before he can return.

The paramedics prepare to take T to the emergency room. They are obligated to take T to the closest facility which is Scripps Encinitas Hospital. They leave. We get organized and leave for the hospital a few minutes after they’ve gone.

We are now progressing deeper into a nightmare world.

We arrive at Encinitas. The emergency vehicle has not yet arrived. Nancy and I go into the reception area and start getting the paper work ready for when T does get there. Friends start to arrive -- Stan and Heidi, Michael Skoor, Brenda Anderson, etc. What can they say? What can they do? Their presence is comforting, but it won’t help.

The ambulance finally arrives with T. They move her into the hospital and we wait. After about 20 minutes the doctor comes in to tell us that a CTSCAN shows a great deal of pressure on Tisha’s brain. He is going to life flight her to Scripps Memorial Hospital where they have facilities to help T. Why didn’t she go there in the first place? It is about the same distance as Encinitas from our house and they could have helped immediately if Tisha could have used it. We are allowed to go into T’s room to see her. Tubes and monitors are connected to her. Her color is back. There is no life.

Life flight finally arrives and they move T to the helicopter and it takes off. We must now drive to Scripps Memorial. I’m thinking that isn’t it strange that Tisha is going back to the hospital where she was born? How did this happen? Why didn’t they find anything at the Emergency Room the night before? This can’t be true.

We arrive at Memorial and more friends are arriving. We move from nightmare to a surreal dream world.

Dr. Tung meets with us in a waiting room and explains that when he shunted Tisha, the pressure was so great that blood sprayed the room. The pressure in Tisha’s brain is 90 to 100 times greater than it should be. That this is fatal in most cases. When we ask what happened, he was surprised that we did not know that Tisha had a tumor. How would we know this?

When Nancy asks Dr. Tung if he could have saved Tisha if he had been with her when she stopped breathing, his answer was an unequivocal yes. With that question, Tung’s demeanor changes. He is no longer the professional, aloof, clinical expert. It’s hard to describe this change. I believe up to that time, Dr. Tung believed that we were aware of Tisha’s condition and were prepared for the clinical explanations. We weren’t. Our shock, our grief, our disbelief touched the doctor. He offered some hope regarding brain flow and suggested that we wait 24 hours before testing. Why should we wait? By that time, we were all aware of the inevitable. We agree that they will test as soon as possible.

Tisha is moved to the Intensive Care Ward. We move to a familiar waiting room. Only weeks before, Nancy and I were in this same waiting room with my aunt and cousins when my uncle Arnie was dying from a heart attack. In Arnie’s case, a miracle did occur and after 24 days in a coma, he recovered to the point that he could be transported back home to Dannebrog, Nebraska. No miracles today.

I must now call Brooke at the Air Force Academy and tell her the tragic news. How do you do this? Brooke’s big sister who only days before was the bride to Brooke’s Maid of Honor was dead. There is no easy way. Pastor Oberg has called the school and the Chaplain arranges for Brooke to call me. Brooke knows that if the Chaplain is involved it has to be bad news. I tell her. We immediately start arranging for Brooke to fly back. It will take her 4-5 hours to get her back to San Diego.

Dr. Tung meets with us again. This time there is no hope. There is no brain flow. Tisha is dead.

We arrange with Dr. Tung to keep T on life support until Brooke and Mark get back to San Diego to say good bye. He agrees and says that it is what he would do if this was his family.


We regret to inform you that Tisha Noel Rinehart Graham, age 27, died at Scripps Memorial Hospital of a massive brain hemorrhage.

There is no time . . .
No color at all.
And there are no answers
To questions I call.
A moment ago,
Your future was bright
But now in the darkness
I look for some light.

Tisha is an adamant donor advocate. It is her desire to help even when there is no help for her. We will respect this desire. There is nothing left but to wait for Mark and Brooke.

The waiting room is now full of friends. All in disbelief. Time passes. Mark arrives in a state of shock. He goes in to see Tisha. Poor Mark. We wait.

Brooke arrives. She has her time with T. We wait.

In our grief, I tell Nancy that we can’t ask the question “Why?”. There is no answer. Yet, it is the only question I have on my mind. Why? We wait.

Mark, Nancy, Louise Stanger and I meet with the representative for donors. This is a paper shuffle. We must wait until they examine Tisha for fitness to be a donor. My God, this is a healthy 27 year old. We should not be here!!!! Papers are signed. We wait.

Many of our friends go in to say good bye to the T-bear. We wait.

More people arrive. What can I say to Mark? He is searching for a sign. Something from Tisha to let him know she will be waiting for him. It is beyond comprehension. We wait.

I am so sad! What is going through my mind is that it is fortunate that Mark and Brooke were not there to see T in our home. Their memories of her will not be anchored to that lifeless body lying in her bed that I cannot remove from my mind’s eye. Unfortunately, Nancy and I will always have that nightmare. We must find a way to remove this image which is so deeply burned into our mind. I struggle to remember the wedding night. We wait.

We are told that they will be able to perform the organ removal around 3 am. No one speaks but it is understood that we will wait until T is taken off life support before we leave. We wait.

Around 2:30am, I walk down to the door leading to Tisha’s room. Others start arriving. By 3am, we are all standing outside the room. More than forty of us, holding hands, quietly waiting, two rows of grieving people bound together in disbelief, questioning our beliefs, searching for something to hold onto and finding only each other. Stan starts to sing the Holden Village Benediction. The same song he sang at Tisha’s wedding. For the first time in the fifteen years that I’ve known Stan, he cannot complete a song. His voice cracks and fades into silence. We wait and wait. At 3:20 am, the doors open and Tisha is wheeled out. As they approach the opposite door, they stop and Mark, Brooke, Nancy and I are allowed one more good bye. Tisha is wheeled through the door. Our Tisha is gone.

We drive home. There is no sleep this night. Our souls have been torn. From the peak of the wedding to the depth of despair in such a short time. How can Tisha be dead? Her life was so full. Her future so bright. Slow to bloom, yet gone so soon. My God, she hadn’t even opened her wedding presents.

Tuesday arrives and so do our friends. People are making phone calls. Others are cooking meals. Some friends came to the house the night before to clean the house, move the presents, try to make our Tuesday morning easier on us. Stan makes the comment that Monday night he looked for God and couldn’t find Him. But on Tuesday, he found Him in all the support that arrived to help us through this nightmare. Logically, I know he is right. But, why are we in this nightmare? The support continues throughout the week.

Funeral plans start. I’m lost. I write poetry to relieve the despair. How does a mathematician become a poet? I don’t think he does. He just cries on paper.

Pastor Michael Skoor comes by to discuss funeral arrangements. I suggest we start a memorial fund to build the narthex. How strange. I wanted to build this entry before the wedding for the wedding. Now, we may use Tisha’s funeral to get it done.

Michael expresses his concern that he won’t be able to rise to the occasion. I think he is questioning his faith as we are ours. He will rise to the occasion. I’m sure. Mark, Nancy, Brooke and I are in are own worlds. Each traveling a different road. All going to the same place.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday are lost. There are blank spots in my mind with just brief bits of memory letting me know that the days have passed. Wonderful people have come to the house to share our grief. For some, it brings back memories that have rested near the surface for a number of years. Their pain is intense. For others, disbelief with no words to express their grief. Cards and flowers start arriving within days. The cards continue to arrive two months after T’s death.

I call a lawyer friend for advice. I don’t know why, but something went terribly wrong with Tisha’s treatment. Four doctors had five opportunities to diagnose T’s tumor in the three weeks before her death. How could they have missed this? The night before her death the pressure had to be there. How was this missed? We’re advised to get Tisha’s medical records as soon as possible. “Strange things could happen in the next few weeks to these documents.”

Nancy has a mission. She goes to both Scripps Memorial, Scripps Encinitas and Scripps Clinic to get the medical records. She gets the same response at each medical center – “This will take at least two weeks to gather the records.” “You know it takes quite a while to process the x-rays.” “Why do you want these records?” No is not an option. She gets them with patience and soft words. Her response is consistent. “You know I have all the time in the world. This is the most important job I have to do today. I’ll wait.” Without fail, the records are produced after a short wait.

Dr. Randy Hawkins comes to the house Wednesday evening to review the medical records with Nancy and I. It is not good news. As we thought, there were many mistakes made by the attending physicians. Randy cries with us as he goes over the reports. Randy can’t understand how they could have missed the indicators. Where was the CTSCAN, the MRI, the simple light in the eye exam? So many opportunities to help Tisha. None taken. Finally , the ultimate pain. Randy is convinced that if they had found the tumor, it would have been completely operable. Tisha would be alive.

Mark, Nancy and I start preparing for the burial. We must pick the cemetery, burial plot, make decisions about the head stone, all the trivial things in preparation for the funeral. The burial will be expensive – 12 to 13 thousand dollars without a head stone – paid in advance. We write a check knowing that we won’t be able to pay the wedding bills until Tisha’s death insurance funds. First things first.

The mortician calls to tell us that we’ll need something to cover Tisha’s head. During the autopsy, they had to shave part of Tisha’s hair - that lovely golden hair. I’m angry, but without anyone or thing to be angry at. Nancy suggests the hat that goes with her dress.

I must keep busy. I write T’s obit. Call the newspapers. Prepare a collage of pictures of Tisha. I take these pictures to “our family framer” Jim at First Street Gallery. Jim, Kimmie, Mike Schopf and I design the layout of this collage. Jim, then, sets aside his other work and finishes the collage by Friday morning.

Finally, Friday arrives. The funeral is at 11am. Stan has been working all night to get sound and video wired to the fellowship hall. Both Stan and Michael believe there will be a lot of people at the funeral. We’re anticipating around 300, but have no idea as to how many will come.

Nancy and I have requested that a few of the songs from the wedding be included in the funeral. Nancy also asked Stan if the choir would sing a song, Make Me a Channel of Your Love, from Lady Di’s funeral that both she and Tisha liked so much. Stan arranged the music and rehearsed the choir the night before. I ask if the recording of T, Jodie and Kimmie, Praise the Almighty, from our choir tape could be part of the service.

It begins.

We arrive at the church and start the wait. The family viewing is not as bad as I thought it would be. This form in the casket is not my Tisha. She left us on Monday. This is simply an icon of our Tisha. Her hat, her dress, her hair – but nothing more. It is obvious that Tisha has escaped the shell of her body. If there is a better example of the soul leaving the body, I don’t know what that would be. I find . . . relief in this.

At first, it seems that our estimate of 300 people is too large. Michael doesn’t think we’ll need the fellowship hall for overflow. The people begin to arrive. When the service begins, there are over 550 people in both the sanctuary and the fellowship hall. These are Tisha’s friends from grade school, high school, Lake Tahoe, our family and church friends, Nancy and my work friends and Brooke’s friends from soccer, high school, the Academy. People touched by the tragedy -- the unthinkable loss.

The service is beautiful. Stan sings “Gone to Soon” followed by the trio’s taped song. The Choir sings with Jillie’s solo. The words from friends are so powerful. Landon’s song touches everyone. Brooke is amazing. She reads the same scripture as she did for the wedding. Again, without a flaw. I could not have done it. My heart is breaking, but I am so proud of Brooke. Michael’s words are so appropriate. A fitting tribute to Tisha. She would have loved it -- everyone was crying. Stan closes with the Holden Village Vespers. The third time in less than a week that I’ve heard this song. I know that from this moment on I will cry whenever we sing it.

We proceed to the burial site. In a touching and moving ceremony, Michael invites all in attendance to cover Tisha -- starting with me. A hand-full of dirt falling to the casket. This is the final goodbye. As we end this service, we seem to be in a reception line accepting the grief of the 100 people in attendance. Hugs and tears end this service.

May 28, 1999

Tisha Noel Rinehart Graham is laid to rest at Eternal Hills Cemetery in Oceanside, CA after a memorial service at Calvary Lutheran Church.

My daughter, my darling,
Mark’s wife for just days,
My spirit’s been broken
In so many ways.
I wander unseeing
As now, from above
It’s your light that shines forth
In RAINBOWS of Love.

I’m at a loss. Tisha who had such a wonderful future ahead of her is gone. How can this be? This beautiful woman with the heart of gold. How did I let her down? Should we have questioned the doctors more? Could we have done something more? How could the medical profession let us down so completely? This fatal error is so permanent. In my entire life, I’ve never felt so useless, so helpless.

My heart is broken for both the loss of Tisha and the utter despair for Nancy. Nancy, who no matter what the situation stood behind Tisha and supported her, loved her, and admired her. Nancy, who lost her mother at seventeen, cared for her ailing father for fifteen additional years. Nancy, who willed herself to be the perfect mother and was and is. Nancy, who so wanted to share her joy with her kids as they became adults, wives and mothers -- something that she missed when her mother died and her father became ill. This loss is beyond comprehension. I can conceive of no door opening with the closing of this one.

We must go on for we have to go on.

It will never be the same.

My World Changed Today

My world changed today.
My darling, daughter went away.
I’m told my faith will get me through.
I struggle. Faith in what? Faith in who?

Our friends suffer so
Reflect our loss, we must let her go.
For Mark the pain is beyond compare.
His love for T is so rare.

She was a women of many sides.
Where beauty with love oft collides.
Golden hair, smile so sweet
Child of mine, Life’s now complete.

In memory only is where you live
Sweet thoughts, sweet kisses -- all I can give.
Prince and princess lived ever after
How short the life, there is no laughter.

We loved you so
I know you know.
I search for faith to understand.
Where to find that helping hand?

To you my dear I do confess
Our life has changed with this mess
We must reach deep within ourselves
To find the meaning where life dwells.

My world changed today.
My darling, daughter went away.
I’m told my faith will get me through.
Faith in what? Faith in who?

IBTISH: Chapter 7

May 22, 1999

Gary and Nancy Rinehart are proud to announce the wedding of Tisha Noel Rinehart to Mr. J. Mark Graham.

Today’s the time . . .
When joy joins to glad.
A toast to you both
From your mom and dad.
We LOVE you both.
Your futures ARE bright.
A color shines forth,
The color is White.

God Bless!!!

It is hard to explain how wonderful the wedding was. It was magical. Here are a few words friends had to explain that night.

Lorraine Dyson

On Saturday evening Bob & I attended the wedding of Nancy Rinehart’s daughter Tisha. Both Nancy and her husband, Gary, had worked hard to give their daughter a dream wedding. It was held at their church, Calvary Lutheran, here in Solana Beach. The church, if you know the Rinehart’s, is truly like a second home to them. Gary was instrumental in the new building drive and overseeing the construction project, and both of them in the choir, retreats, fund-raisers and numerous other church activities.

As the guests settled into the Sanctuary, their Pastor informed us that although Tisha was not feeling well, they had decided to still go on with her long awaited wedding to Mark Graham. The pastor explained that Tisha had vertigo from an inner ear infection and was very dizzy. She had been at the Emergency Room as recently as 4 hours earlier getting medication to help her through her wedding. He went on to say that she might even have to sit down during the ceremony if she felt she was spinning. And then it was "On with the Wedding!'” Beautiful music filled the room with the opening song... "From This Moment!" sung by two outstanding young people.

Standing at the alter; waiting for his bride, Mark looked every bit the happy and excited Groom. With dark, handsome good looks, he was smiling with a comfortable ease.

After the maid of honor, her sister, Brooke and the bridesmaids, the most beautiful Bride walked down the aisle. We were all on pins and needles watching her with admiration as she walked gingerly. On either side, were her parents assisting her and as she took her place next to Mark. She was breathtaking; her blonde hair was swept up in a French Twist with her veil floating behind her. Her gown was simple, yet elegant, with delicate thin straps encrusted with pearls following the neckline and down the back. She looked regal and I thought of Princess Diana. Her eyes were luminous and her skin was flawless. Later, while greeting her at the reception, I noticed that to the touch her tanned arms were as soft as rose petals (just like her Mom's).

The ceremony was beautiful. All weddings are. But this one was different. We were all so captivated by Tisha's will to be there, by her family’s dedication and love, and by the lovely music selected. There were a few humorous moments and Tisha’s smile was radiant. And when they were pronounced Man & Wife and they embraced, their passionate kiss brought cheers and applause from all of us!

It was a beautiful setting in the church patio pavilion for a reception, due mostly to their attention to detail in renting tents, decorating the poles with live roses and vines; Gary even repainted the community hall, replanted the rose gardens and installed white arches throughout the grounds. Twinkle lights and netting created a soft canopy overhead with ivory linens and antique rose centerpieces adorning the tables. Nancy and Gary went all out to create a romantic ambiance and didn't miss a detail. Even the ladies restroom was draped in netting and guests were invited to use complimentary perfumes, nail files, hair sprays and even pantyhose. Anyone that's coordinated a wedding knows how much goes into it. Nancy did an outstanding job with the tables, the lights, the flowers, the menu! She orchestrated a 'Martha Stewart" wedding but with her own classy touch. This is a mother whose talented and loving hand was evident everywhere you looked.

As the guests mingled, a fantastic band started playing featuring a young fiddler and contemporary music. This was the couple’s favorite band from Lake Tahoe where they lived. There must have been 30 or 40 people there from Lake Tahoe -- all friends and admirers of Tisha and Mark. Although Tisha was obviously stepping ever so slowly and never turning her head or even her eyes sideways, lest she become violently ill, she knew Mark was always at her side and there for her. The food was delicious; the wine and special "Cosmopolitan" drinks were flowing. Everyone was having a terrific time! Tisha made it through the First Dance with her husband, and even with a distant look in her eyes, was stunning. You could see Mark nuzzle her with kisses on her forehead and cheeks asking her if she was all right.

For her emotional dance with her Father, the Musical Director; Stan Beard sang a customized version of “Butterfly Kisses.” There was hardly a dry eye in the place. I think Bob and Jim Woodhead were the most choked up. You could tell how emotional Nancy was just glancing at her. Gary never took his eyes off his beautiful daughter the entire dance, or all evening for that matter. No matter where she was throughout the wedding or reception, he would've been at her side in a second had she needed an arm to hold onto to. During the dance Tisha's eyes welled up with tears that touched our hearts to the core. Any moment it seemed she might collapse as she hugged her Daddy.

Although Tisha could hardly smile, she & Mark enjoyed the cutting of the Cake (and what a cake it was!) and the ceremonial champagne toast. The Best Man and others gave wonderful tributes to the couple and all deemed them the perfect match!

This was a wedding to remember -- the love, the music, the decorations. Most of all it was because of Tisha. She was a bride that will haunt one’s mind long after the wedding. Her beauty and poise under such painful conditions were so impressive.

Bob Dyson

On Saturday night, Loraine and I and all those in attendance at Nancy and Gary Rinehart’s daughter’s wedding were touched by an angel . . . Tisha Rinehart

Earlier in the day, I selfishly asked Loraine why am I going to this wedding . . . I have never met Nancy’s daughter.

Less than a minute into the evening, I knew why . . . all of us in attendance experienced a wonderful, spiritual event -- one that will stay with us for life.

We all entered the evening on the belief that Nancy’s daughter was suffering from an inner ear infection but that Tish, mark (her husband to be) and the family all elected to move forward with the wedding despite the medical concerns and her instability.

The minister made lite of the issue and comforted and prepared all of us in attendance for the daunting stare and instability of Tish during the ceremony.

Despite the preparation, all of us new the night was different, sensitive and very special as it unveiled itself as an example of the families love for Tish Rinehart.

It was also apparent that Gary and Nancy worked for months repainting the church and preparing every single detail to the ultimate degree for their daughter’s wedding. It was noticeable from the moment you arrived to the moment you left the church.

The music was special. The people singing were special and proud to have been selected to perform. The flowers were in full bloom and all was perfect for a special ceremony of life and love.

There was no feeling or discussion other than amazement at how perfect the setting was for the wonderful celebration of life for this beautiful couple.

As the evening went on we all grew accustom to Tish’s daunting stare but accepted it as her strength and the families strength in overcoming the obstacles of an inner ear infection.

As the evening drew to a close, the experience, the music selected, Tish, mark and the family all blended into a wonderful yet surreal experience for all involved. So much so that it was a source of discussion for all of us before, during and after the wedding. We all left thinking a much higher being planned this evening and event for all in attendance.

Just before Mark and T left the wedding reception, T came up to me and kissed me and thanked me for the best night of her life.

Sunday Morning

The following morning we attend church then return to the house for a Wedding brunch. T and Mark make it to the house around noon. Brunch is served then Mark and Tisha start opening some of the wedding gifts (most will never be opened). Tisha becomes tired and decides to lay down for a little while. Tisha wakes up in the early evening sick to her stomach again. Her vomit is ugly, green. We are worried. Nancy and Mark take Tisha again to Scripps Clinic Emergency Room. The same doctor as yesterday is there again. T is very sick. The doctor re-drugs T and waits for the drugs to take. They are at the hospital until after midnight. Nancy requests that Tisha be allowed to stay overnight for observation. She is told that they no longer have an observation bed available. T and Nancy emphasize her sore neck. The doctor x-rays her neck. Negative results. No further exam. T is sent home drugged up.

Monday Morning

Nancy is calling doctors in San Diego trying to arrange an appointment to start the “eply” maneuvers to help Tisha get over the dizziness and nausea. Most doctors are in their “Monday morning meetings”. She is also calling the ENT office at Lake Tahoe trying to get a prescription for the “eply” maneuver and Tisha’s medical records for the doctor in San Diego. They are also in their morning meeting. They finally fax us her medical records. An hour later, the prescription.

Mark is leaving early in the morning for one final business trip to San Jose before he and T leave on their honeymoon. On his way out, he tells me that Tisha threw up a little during the night but was sleeping. He had kissed her good-bye and told her he would be back in the late afternoon.

Around 8am, T wakes up and needs to go to the bathroom. She is having trouble standing up. Nancy and I believe it is because of the medication from the night before. I carry T to the bathroom and back to her bed. Her neck is sore and I rub it. The right trap is spasming. It responds to the rub down and T drifts off to sleep.

Wayne Multering, Mark’s friend, comes to the house bringing my Mom who has been staying at Mickey and John’s home during the hectic week of the wedding. Mom will be staying at our house until she leaves for Arkansas in a few days. Wayne is to leave today for his home in Florida. We arrange for Landon Beard to take Wayne to the airport for his departure at noon.

Around 9:30am, Nancy finally gets an appointment for T at 11 am. At 10am, T cries out with pain in her neck. I go into her bedroom and rub her right trap which is spasming again. Her neck relaxes and T goes back to sleep. I’m wondering why the neck spasms.

It is now time to take T to the doctor. Around 10:30am, Nancy is getting ready to leave. I go down to the car and bring it around to the front of the house to make it easier for T to get into it. Nancy goes to get Tisha at about 10:45am.

IBTISH: Chapter 6

1998-1999

These are Tisha’s years of glory -- short but wonderful.

There was a time . . .
A few years ago.
When someone named Mark
Entered your life’s flow.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Green was the light.

Tisha starts dating Mark steadily and immediately starts changing. She is becoming confident in her looks, her work, her abilities, her intelligence, her future. Mark and T become lovers and best friends by late 1997.

We meet Mark and T for wine tasting in the gold country outside of Sacramento. What a fun weekend. T and Mark are a wonderful couple.

In the Spring of 1998, Nancy and I take a vacation to Greece and Turkey with our church friends. While in Greece we get a call, our sixth scare. Tisha has been in a very violent auto accident. Her car flips three times and is totaled. Fortunately, she walks away from the accident with a minor concussion and vertigo, which goes away in a couple of weeks. The highway patrol says that the car probably would not have flipped if it wasn’t a Jeep. They add that Tisha wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t a Jeep. When we get back from vacation, we help T buy a replacement car. Unfortunately, she let her insurance lapse a couple of months before the accident. So, no help there.

In August of 1998, we go to Lake Tahoe to attend Al and Brenda Andersen’s Gwen (Kyeell) wedding. Mark and Tisha, also, attend this beautiful wedding on the shores of Lake Tahoe at CalNeva Resort. The next day Mark and I go to a local restaurant in South Lake Tahoe to wait for the girls who are shopping.

Mark asks for my permission to marry T. It is an honor.

Wedding plans begin in earnest by the fall of 1998. Mark and Tisha join us in Colorado Springs for USAFA Parents’ Weekend, 1998. Mark is becoming a member of the family.
This is now Nancy and T’s time. I believe that Nancy has been planning this wedding for 27 years. She is off and running. Nancy’s business is the best that it has ever been that allows us to plan an elegant wedding sparing no expense for our first daughter’s wedding. T and Nancy talk 4-5 times a day. Wedding arrangement are moving ahead at a break neck speed. Dresses, caterers, video, photo, music, wine selection, registering at stores, wedding cake, flowers, schedules, invitations, rehearsal dinner arrangements, seating arrangements, painting of the church, landscaping changes, tent plans – this is going to be a wonderful event.

I surprise Nancy with a 30th wedding anniversary trip to Lake Tahoe. T and Mark arrange our accommodations and we have dinner with Mark and T for our anniversary dinner, Dec 14th, 1998. Stan Beard has helped me transfer the reel-to-reel tape recording of our wedding to a cassette. We listen to our wedding with Mark and Tisha – bad music, poor sound, long sermon, never ending organ music, Nancy’s delicate voice – it’s perfect.

Mark and Tisha are home for Christmas. We are hosting the Christmas-eve party this year. The little kids are great with their readings. In typical fashion, we rush from singing at church to our house for presents and singing then back to church for the midnight service. This is Mark’s first experience with the Rinehart Christmas. Our tradition of hiding the presents until Christmas eve, sneaking in after the kids have gone to bed to put the presents under the tree, wrapping the tree in sheets to hide the presents until morning, then marching into the living room on Christmas morning to open the presents in both the stockings and under the tree is not unique, but it is our tradition. He loves watching T and Brooke jockey for opening the last present. In our family, it has not been who opens the most. It is who opens the last present. In this case, T thinks she wins until Brooke finds her mountain bike on the deck. Check and mate.

We meet Tisha and Mark in Northern California for another weekend wine tasting event in February. Wick and Kathy Petersen and Paul and Donna Van Dillen join us for this fun weekend. We take over the Fox’s B&B in Sutter Creek.

Nancy starts printing the invitations weeks before they need to be mailed. Time flies. We mail the invitations. Within a week, we start getting wedding presents, which we store in the work out room. The stack of gifts start growing.

About five weeks before the wedding, Tisha starts complaining of a sore neck. Sounds like a pulled muscle from working out with her personal trainer. She tries a chiro and then goes to her doctor. He prescribes muscle relaxer and pain killer (take an aspirin and call me later). A few weeks later, T becomes dizzy during a hike with Mark. She then starts throwing up. What is going on?

With complaints of a sore neck, nausea and dizziness, Tisha goes to the local ENT specialists in Tahoe the week prior to the wedding. After exams, they diagnose “Positional Vertigo” and prescribe anti-nausea medication for dizziness. During this first visit, Tisha throws up violently during an “Eply” maneuver. This does not seem to worry the doctor or it hasn’t been communicated to the doctor. Tisha calls Nancy and lets her know the results of the test. She is relieved that the ENT docs have ruled out a tumor. For whatever reason, she thought it was a tumor.

She continues to throw up over the weekend. Mark calls Nancy on Sunday and then calls ENT for a reference to an emergency room. He is told that the emergency room is not necessary. He should double up on the prescription and come into the office on Monday. Tisha continues to throw up. They go back to the ENT on Monday. New doctor, similar exam. Diagnosis changes from just Positional Vertigo to include an inner ear infection. More medications are prescribed including a steroid. By Tuesday, Tisha starts reacting to the medicines and is well enough to fly home Wednesday morning.

We started a month prior to the wedding in preparing the church – paint the fellowship hall and sanctuary, paint the trim on the trailer, add to the landscaping with arbors and benches, replant some of the grounds, power wash the hardscape, etc. The Embrees come down on Monday prior to the wedding to help in the preparation. Jerry and Susan work with my brother and sister-in-law, Rodney and Cheri Rinehart, in decorating the church – stringing lights, doing the odd jobs. Nancy is working with Kirsten Embree in preparing the flowers. I’m doing all the odd jobs at church to get it ready. The tent is delivered and set up on Wednesday. We arrange the tables and chairs, hang the twinkling lights and netting, pull electrical cords and prepare for the sound equipment. All is going according to plan. The church is rapidly taking shape for the wedding.

On Wednesday and Thursday, Tisha is dizzy but not nauseated. Nancy makes contact with a church friend who works for an ENT doc at Scripts Clinic. They discuss scheduling an appointment for the following week after the wedding but before the kids leave for their honeymoon. Tisha visits the church, prepares for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Wednesday night is a relaxed evening at home. Rehearsal and dinner on Thursday proceed without a hitch. Tisha is dizzy but “getting through it”. On Friday, T is still dizzy but attends the bridal luncheon. All goes well, but T is not feeling well in the afternoon. She starts vomiting late in the day. This continues into Saturday.

Saturday morning the schedule is scrambled. Tisha is still sick. Nancy and I talk of what to do if Tisha is too sick to make the wedding. We have no answers. We reschedule hair and nail appointments. Nancy and Mark take T to the emergency room at Scripts Clinic. Doctor examines T and prescribes more drugs for T and sends her off. T is not looking good when she gets home, but she is not nauseated. She is rallying and is determined to make this her night. The rush is on. Hair, nails, get dressed, get to the church on time. Tisha looks gorgeous at the wedding. She is still dizzy and rigid in her stance and walk, but she pushes on. Her smile glows. This is her night!

The Church is packed. My girls are beautiful. Tisha in her wedding gown, Nancy in her “Mother of the Bride” outfit and Brooke in her brides’ maid gown. How grown up the girls have become. Brooke holding Tisha’s train as they rush from the front of the church to the back door so that T can listen to Landon and Aspin’s song. Nancy’s the proud mom. All her plans and work focused on this one evening.

We decide that both Nancy and I will help Tisha down the aisle in case she losses her balance. She is unsteady but ready. The flowers are gorgeous. The music is wonderful. Brooke does the scripture reading without a flaw. T is wobbly at the altar but smiling throughout the ceremony. Pastor Michael Skoor does a great job with the message. T and Mark are an elegant and beautiful wedding couple. Mark’s friends are great, hamming it up with the ring, enjoying the moment. There is something special about this evening beyond this being my daughter’s wedding.

Michael Skoor and I talk after the wedding. He comments about how good Tisha looked considering her condition. I reply I’m more worried about Monday than tonight because I think there is more to this dizziness than we’ve been told. I want to get her in for a checkup. Little did I know.

The reception flows from magical to mystical. The food is delicious. The setting could not have been better. The weather is perfect. The band is great. Stan’s songs are wonderful. It is just as Nancy planned it and Tisha wanted it. The twinkling lights in both the tent and fellowship hall transform the evening. T loves it as she and Mark table hop, cut the cake and dance. She and Mark dance their wedding dance with T not missing a step including the twirl. I dance with T to Stan’s singing “Butterfly Kisses”. I tell Tisha I love her and how proud I am of her. It is the last chance I will ever have to tell her this. I’ll cherish this moment for the rest of my life.

T and Mark are off to the hotel by about 11pm. The party continues until midnight. Marg Schlosser and Landon Beard get “Elvis/Jesus” to the hotel on time. What a night! Beautiful woman.

IBTISH: Chapter 5

1993-1997

The next five years Tisha continues to climb.

There was a time . . .
When twenty appeared.
The challenge, so great.
The past, we all feared.
We loved you so.
Your future was there.
The color shone forth
Gold like you hair.

Bryan and T decide to move to Lake Tahoe to focus on their education -- Bryan to be a fireman and Tisha to be a paralegal. This sounds like a song. How and why they decide to move to Tahoe is circumspect. Bryan wants to snow board and Tisha wants to start a career. Both start at Lake Tahoe Community College. T becomes the bread winner working as a bar maid on the Tahoe Queen paddle wheel boat while going to school.

Tisha is growing up, working hard, going to school, searching for a way to have a better life. She gets a job with Michael Laub Attorney at Law as a receptionist and changes schools to the University of Nevada, Reno where she completes her paralegal certification. We buy Tisha a new car, a used Jeep Wrangler. The Acura just can’t cut it in the snow of Lake Tahoe.

We fly Bryan and Tisha to Florida for a family vacation while I attend a conference in Boca Raton. This is a very nice week. One of our best since Tisha’s drug problems began. Dr. Randy Hawkins, a coworker with me at Sharp Healthcare, meets the family and plays golf with Bryan and I. Randy is a family man with two young girls like T and Brooke. He is also a highly respected neurologist and a friend.

Tisha comes home for Brooke’s high school graduation. This is a big event. One we never had with T. Tisha is so proud of Brooke for what she has done in high school – her grades, friends, soccer, her appointment to the Air Force Academy. What pretty girls we have!

Tisha becomes a paralegal for Michael and rapidly becomes the office manager assuming more and more responsibility. It is during this time that Tisha becomes “the princess.” A long story to be told later. Margie Schlosser sends T her “princess” necessities. From this point on, Nancy is now the Queen Mother to the Princess. Tisha meets Mark Graham but no major sparks -- although she does talk to Nancy about this new guy.

I schedule a family rafting trip down the Colorado River with the Moki Mak river running group (redo of Nancy and my 1973 river trip). Must cancel when I change jobs. We will do this later (it will never happen for Tisha).

Tisha and Bryan come home for Christmas, 1996. Big gathering at our house. The McCracken family and the Hansen family are all in attendance along with Brooke and Tisha. This will be the last time all our kids will be together for Christmas. Life is changing. But for one final Christmas, they are all home.

In early 1997, Tisha realizes that Bryan isn’t going to change and she must end this relationship – which she does. This is a painful decision and one that takes a great deal of courage. Tisha and Bryan have been supporting each other for the past five years. Tisha is concerned that if she breaks up with Bryan he will relapse. It is a tough decision. She makes it and it is right.

Tisha is now “on her own” and liking it. Cute little house, Tahoe friends, work that she loves -- Tisha’s life is moving in the right direction. During the summer of 1997, Nancy, Brooke and I vacation with the Embrees at the “Sunnyside” cabin on the North Shore of Lake Tahoe. We meet that “Mark Graham guy” one evening at the cabin for dinner. Mark passes the first test. He is a nice guy with good friends. Tisha also becomes Nancy’s best friend during this year. They talk on the phone at least twice a day about anything and everything – OJ’s trial, Princess Di’s funeral, Clinton’s morality, T’s future, life in general.

Tisha comes back to the family enjoying our friends, the “Calvary Cares” group. She loves her sister and marvels at Brooke’s accomplishments. Tisha comes home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She loves the Hein’s Christmas party – singing around the piano, Rick’s readings, Stan’s music, the kids, the warmth of Christmas, and the comfort of being “home”.

She meets Nancy and I for Brooke’s Parents’ Weekend at USAFA in Colorado Springs. She is so impressed with the flyovers at the AFA football game and the grandeur of the USAFA campus. Pride in Brooke simply radiates from T.

Tisha recognizes how we raised her and continually expresses her love for us and our family. We are now seeing the child of twelve becoming the women we knew she could be. It is so good.

IBTISH: Chapter 4

1988-1992

The next five years are the dark years in Tisha’s short life.

There was a time . . .
When you were sixteen.
Confusion, emotions
Appeared on the scene.
We loved you so.
No future this day.
A color shone forth
The light was Gray.

Early in these years, we take a combined family and business trip to Washington DC, Williamsburg and Atlanta. I’m speaking at a couple of conferences while the girls see the sights. Tisha meets Meg who has moved to Washington DC with her parents. Meg’s dad is a Captain in the Navy. This is a very nice reunion for T.

Over Christmas of 1988 we share a home with the Embree family at Tahoe Donner. We ski Squaw Valley for the week. Tisha skis with Chris Embree while the rest of us ski the easier slopes.

We are very concerned with Tisha’s grades and her attitude. It is not belligerent -- not bad, just “soft”. We are moving from confusion and lack of self esteem to drugs.

T’s nickname at Torrey Pines is “Sly”. This is because of the almost sexy droop of her eyes much like “Sly” Stallone. Tisha takes a school skiing trip over her 16th birthday. She comes back in a bad mood. What’s going on?

We buy Tisha a car, the Acura, for school – special license plate of IBTISH. Tisha starts dating a “surfer” guy. We find out later that he is also a local drug dealer.

We go to Hawaii for what we believe will be our last “family” vacation since Tisha will be going to college in a few years. Tisha is becoming a beautiful young lady, but with a dark cloud around her. Nothing bad -- things just aren’t working out right.

This is a time when as a family we are uncomfortable. Tisha is out of sync and we don’t know what to do.

Before Tisha’s senior year, we consider changing high schools -- inquire in Arizona, Santa Fe Christian, etc. We take T to a child psychologist who, after a number of visits, assures us that Tisha is not involved in drugs, just going through the typical teen problems.

The next thing we know, Tisha is in a drug rehab program, Harbor View. Our fourth scare. This scare is significant. From there, we find out she is also suffering from an eating disorder. It seems as if T is on a down escalator with no way to get off. Nancy and I are absolutely unprepared for this turn of events. Naive is an understatement. The family and T go through counseling with a lot of family introspection.

We have no idea where we “went wrong” in raising the T. After drug rehab, Torrey Pines HS lets us down again. Although Tisha becomes addicted to drugs at Torrey, they do not want “this type” of student at Torrey when she is out of rehab. I guess it is ok to use drugs or sell drugs at Torrey just don’t try to rehab there. She is sent to a drug infested alternative high school, Sunset High School. Nice man runs it but it is a school where failure is built into the system. Too many lost souls all struggling with drug, alcohol or psychological problems and then pushed from the mainstream. Tisha should not be here. She knows it. We know it. She is!

T relapses, her self esteem is completely gone. She becomes one of those lost souls. Our intervention is to send Tisha to Hazelton in Minnesota for another drug rehab program. The hardest thing we’ve had to do in our married lives. We are in a world where we have no control nor knowledge. We work to get more information. We hope that Tisha will work hard to put some tools in her toolbox that will allow her to stop the downhill free fall she is in. Nancy accompanies Tisha via train to Minnesota.

The program is tough. We, Nancy, Brooke and I, fly back to Minneapolis when she is released from Hazelton to a half way house. It is winter in Minnesota. Tisha is struggling but she got through the first part. Now it is time to see if she learned anything.

Through Minnesota’s enlightened program for “kids at risk”, Tisha starts on the road to recovery. She lives at a half way house, Way 12, in Wayzata, MN. They teach Tisha lessons on how to live on her own. The kids at Way 12 don’t understand Tisha. She and they don’t know how a child from an “Ozzie and Harriet” family could end up at Way 12. She just did.

While we are in Minnesota, Nancy and I visit Wayzata High School in Wayzata, MN. It is a refreshing difference from Torrey Pines High. Wayzata has a program to keep their “at risk” kids in school and in the mainstream. We enroll Tisha at Wayzata High School for her last semester of her senior year. Tisha lives at Way 12 and attends classes at Wayzata High where she gets her high school degree. Kellie Osmond travels with us to T’s high school graduation from Wayzata High. Who would have thought that T would graduate from a mid-west high school. Life does indeed have strange twists. It is now early summer in Minnesota. Tisha is so fragile, so alone during this time. We can only pray that she will succeed with her recovery.

After her graduation, Tisha comes home for the summer.

Nancy, in her own form of suffering with Tisha, starts gaining knowledge regarding teenage alcohol and drug addiction. From being possibly the most naïve parents in the country, we both start learning about the dark side of growing up. Experiences neither of us had in our youth. Nancy starts counseling other parents. Through her relationship with Louise Stanger, Nancy is made an advisory member of the Student-to-Student Board at San Diego State. She takes a very proactive approach to Brooke’s education and helps start the “UNI Cares” program, a drug awareness program, at University of San Diego High School. (Note: Torrey Pines High School was not an option for Brooke.) Tisha comes to love this part of Nancy. Her involvement. Her caring. Over time, they grow together with a common cause, Tisha’s well being.

College is now our concern. When T was twelve, we were talking of Stanford. When she was 17, we didn’t know if she would graduate from high school. At 18, it is time for Junior College. She starts JUCO at Questa JC in San Luis Obispo. We find her a nice apartment in town where she has two male roommates, the McGlynn bothers, from Solana Beach. School doesn’t work -- to many opportunities to fall back -- which she does. Tisha drops out of school, moves back to San Diego (not into our home) and starts back sliding. She finally hits bottom through a combination of tough love and self destruction.

Tisha starts the long climb out of the abyss. She moves to LA and tries her hand at acting. She lands small walk-on parts in some movies and TV sitcoms. She starts JUCO again in Orange County, Coast Community College, starts dating a recovering user, Bryan. Through their mutual support, they both start the climb. Tisha is working as a waitress and going to school while trying to figure out what she is going to do with the rest of her life.

We take Tisha and Brooke to Europe for a belated graduation gift for T. Twelve of the eighteen days of this trip Tisha is sick with the flu. From France to Belgium to Germany, Tisha is throwing up, losing weight and becoming dehydrated. After a three day stay in a hospital in Germany, Tisha starts feeling better. Our stay at Lake Lugano, Switzerland is our best on the trip. T says she would like to come back here for her honeymoon whenever that happens. It was such a great trip -- to bad Tisha was sick for most of it. Where is Tisha?

IBTISH: Chapter 3

1983-1987

We enter a new era of change during the next five years.

There was a time . . .
When eleven you were.
Your voice, a delight.
Your life was a blur.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Blue was the light.

Tisha matures to a teenager. She, Jodie and Kimmie start singing jingles for Stan and they get paid. They become the youth trio at Calvary. What a neat experience to watch the girls behind the mikes singing at the studio or singing with the choir at church. Tisha is confirmed at Calvary by “PK” Knutsen.

She becomes prettier and prettier and less confident as time passes.

One of Tisha’s best friends during 6th and 7th grade is Meg McDonough. Meg goes with us on our ski trips. She and T have a real connection during these years. On T’s 7th grade “Over 90” outing, Meg, T and I sit and talk about what they will be doing in high school and beyond. These girls have big plans. There is no reason that they won’t achieve their goals.

Tisha goes to 8th grade at Francis Parker -- not a good move. We thought that changing T to Francis Parker in 8th grade would better prepare her for high school – larger school, “college prep” curriculum, etc. We were wrong. This school is to “hoity toity” for T. The kids are not nice to her and she losses more self-esteem. We see this, but can’t figure out what to do – counseling, extra tutoring, meetings at school, positive reinforcement – we try them all but nothing seems to be working.

We continue to ski during the winter. When Tisha is 13, she, Jodie Coffman and I go on the annual Calvary back pack trip together. We are tent mates. The girls get the tent. I get to put it up, take it down, carry it from one site to another and sleep on the ground under the stars. We cross the Sierra’s with the girls carrying 25 pound packs and Dad carrying the 70 pounder. It is a great time. High in the mountains, camping under the stars, crossing the Sierra’s at 12,500 feet, it’s wonderful. T and Jodie pay Chris Formo and David Knutzen $5 each to carry their packs from one campsite to the next. Tisha hates this trip. I love it. Brooke and I will do the same trip when she is about this age with the same results.

We exchange homes one winter with a family from Sacramento. They use our home while we use their ski home at Lake Tahoe. Our first trip to the Tahoe area.

In 1986, we take an extended vacation to Dannebrog, Nebraska for the Grim family reunion and the Dannebrog centennial. We pick up our new van at the dealer and leave for the trip. In Dannebrog the girls find out that they really do have relatives. Over 100 relatives on my mother’s side of the family attend the reunion. This is a small town 4th of July experience with parade, fireworks and politician speaking at the park pavilion. You couldn’t ask for more. Tisha asks as we are leaving if she could come back someday to visit. It will never happen. On the trip we have stops in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Yellowstone National Park at the Buffalo Bill Cody Riding Ranch, South Dakota’s badlands and Mount Rushmore, Santa Fe, New Mexico and Nancy’s Uncle Otts in Arizona. Great trip, great experiences, great family.

Our Thanksgivings and Christmas’ now include John and Kay Hansen and their kids Kirsten and Kate along with the McCracken’s -- gourmet food, constant chatter, good times.

Tisha starts at Torrey Pines High School. It is wrong from the beginning. They misplace her registration and she must sit in the counseling office for the first three days -- not a good way for a new student to mix at a new school. I am elected to the Torrey Pines HS Site Council and Nancy is volunteering in the counseling office -- we are worried about the quality of education at Torrey Pines HS-- with justification. Tisha seems to have a complete lack of focus. Fortunately, her Carden School education compensates for the failure of Torrey to educate. Her grades still slip, but they don’t crater. Her friends are changing. Third major scare is when Tisha is riding with friends her freshman year when they roll their car. Fortunately no one is hurt. This is not the Tisha of only a few years ago. Tisha has become a confused girl.

IBTISH: Chapter 2

1978-1982

Her second five years are learning years.

There was a time . . .
When you were near six.
Your sister was coming,
A twist to the mix.
We loved you so.
Your future was bright.
A color shone forth,
Yellow the light.

Tisha attends Carden School, a private school in Del Mar, from K through 7th grade excelling in her school and making friends. We love the music programs at Carden, the structure and quality of the instructors. Tisha plays soccer. She has some gifts, she is fast and strong, but does not like to compete. Nancy and I believe that this is because she doesn’t want to hurt any other girls’ feelings. This is a trait that is Tisha’s throughout her life. It is wonderful, but gets her into trouble as she grows older. Sometimes you can’t please everyone.

A few months prior to Brooke’s birth we take a family trip to Hawaii. Tisha makes new friends at the Kahala Hilton pool, Kirsten and Kate Hansen. They and their parents, John and Kay, are from Australia. Little do we know then that the Hansen family will be moving to San Diego a few years later and we will become close family friends.

Tisha plays softball but doesn’t like it. T just does not like to take instruction. She believes that she can “figure it out” without anyone’s help. This does not always work, especially in baseball. This is another trait that Tisha will have throughout her short life.

We ski as a family with Tisha becoming a very accomplished skier by the time she is ten. She has her mom’s style and her father’s athleticism. In truth, she is just T. She is so pretty skiing -- body upright, skis together, hair flying. It is a memory I love to dwell on.

Tisha and we are going through changes: we move to our family home at P8 Paso Del Sol; Nancy passes her real estate exams and starts her career as a realtor, Tisha meets Katie D, our next door neighbor, and immediately they become “life-long” friends; Brooke is born and Tisha assumes the role of “Big Sister”; we meet the Beards (Stan, Heidi and Margie) and start our family ski trips usually taking a friend of Tisha’s on each trip; Tisha becomes a “Big Sister” to Landon Beard. Tisha and Katie love to ride T’s bike double, feet up, down our hill. Oops, they fall and Tisha breaks her arm -- another cast. Christmas is our big holiday -- presents, ski trips, family hugs, family gatherings with the McCracken’s. I love this time.

We start our annual trips to Yosemite. Brooke spends most of her time in the back pack when we first start. Hiking, horseback riding, Curry Village, The Ahwahnee Hotel, The Sinnott’s and drinking rock, walking down from Glacier Point – great times with good friends. This becomes our annual trip each June for the next 6 years.

We take a family trip to England for a month -- exchanging homes, cars and friends. On the front end of this trip, we attend my 20th high school reunion in Bettendorf, Iowa. This is the first and last time the girls will visit the place where I was raised. They aren’t that impressed. We arrive in England the day after Prince Charles and Princess Di’s wedding. Tisha will have a bond to Princess Di from this time on. This is a wonderful vacation. Tisha’s horizons are expanding. She will remember this trip. Brooke is too young.

Gerry Kirk starts building sand castles and I’m invited to help. The Labor Day sand castle project becomes an annual event for the family and continues for 8 years. This is a time of love, growth and family. Tisha is our caring girl.